Anxiety
I tend to be pretty tough on myself and dwell on what I’m NOT doing.
Sometimes that can be arresting to my productivity or rob me of enjoying the little things. I can be out on a beautiful sunny day at the beach but I can’t enjoy it because there’s a dumb project I want to finish. Not that the project is dumb but the feeling of that thing being anchored to my brain is dumb. I hate that. It’s almost never worth it if I were to leave and go do the thing, so why dwell?
This is my greatest challenge.
I’ve been putting a lot of energy into learning how to be better in the moment instead of manufacturing anxiety by assuming an outcome or response. I can’t predict anything, so why do I keep trying? I can’t foresee what the future will hold unless there is verifiable evidence that this will be the case, which is really only true after a bullet has been fired after being aimed in a specific direction. I get that feeling when I take a little long to respond to a client or have to push passed a deadline. I assume they’ll be upset and there will be this massive explosive response but most of the time my assumptions are proven wrong and everything is cool. Why did I waste all that time in my head? There was nothing to fear. Zero. It was all in my head.
That’s just dumb.
It’s straight-up unintelligent behavior of letting my brain, for so many years, get the best of me. The only time we have is NOW. No past, no future, just NOW.
I lie, our past is pretty important. It’s how we learn and hopefully there are enough good things in anyone’s past to look back on fondly. So what I’m really saying is to not let the past, or any assumption of the future cloud your judgement today. Just go and do the thing.
Now before you book that trip to Italy and max out all your credit cards, this is not some “typical millennial” call-to-action to quit your job, drop everything and travel the world. None of that will bring you any peace in the long run. I mean, yeah go do it if you want but with the knowledge that it is not a long term fix. Might as well do cocaine if that’s the case. It’s the same thing.
Please don’t do cocaine.
What I’m saying is that I strongly believe the key to long-term quality improvements in life come with a shift in mindset. To work on the ability to be present. I’ve failed so hard at that.
Improv, therapy, lots of reading, talking to people to share my story and hear theirs…it’s all amazingly useful…and has helped me see that being in those moments, going from one of those moments to the next, leaves me feeling fulfilled. I strive every day to look around at my life and say “this is great.”
I don’t think it’s an easy shift. It takes persistence. I think some people are born with the ability to look at life that way or life was handed to them in a way that allows them to only think that way. My personal struggle has been a years-long pursuit to let go. Decades even. I’ve talked about my bi-polar depression before so I won’t reiterate but it can feel silly to say out loud or exclaim my triumph over mental struggle publicly…to talk to yourself, to try and boost your own confidence or pat yourself on the back…that has always been weird to me but I’m completely doing that right now because I need it…
…and that’s totally okay.
People will knock you for celebrating any little triumph, make you feel like you shouldn’t enjoy what you enjoy, and they’ll try to denigrate your life because they can’t find the light in theirs. Sometimes they can be people close to you and that’s sad. It’s petty and sometimes they can just fuck off.
Forgive my harshness but seriously, “haters are losers” to quote Casey Neistat. They need work on themselves. You’re not the problem there.
I’ve struggle intensely because I’ve always been cynical of this concept of synthetic happiness. Synthetic happiness is the defensive mechanism our brain uses to convince ourselves that the decisions we’ve made are the best decisions despite other potential outcomes in which we aren’t able to see the result. It’s also that feeling you get when you see cute pictures of babies, or animals or unbridled love for something despite its flaws. There’s a great TED Talk about it that describes it in better detail.
I’ve swam upstream against that concept, but why? Who cares? Why care about who cares? Am I trying to prove I’m smarter than people by being aware of that concept and rallying against it? I’m just robbing myself of life’s simple joys…for what? So I can be cynical and miserable?
There’s no point in feeling silly about anything you think, feel or enjoy. Why regret? or question too much about the past? We can’t change it and even if the present isn’t good we have the power to improve it. That’s what we can control.
Why not appreciate the sound of your friend’s kid laughing, it’s pretty great!
I feel silly for taking this long to realize that it’s silly to feel silly, nay, I feel good that I have found the right formula to keep head in the clouds while keeping my eyes forward.
Note: I’m not “cured.” Bipolar disorder fucking sucks. I basically wake-up every day not knowing what my body chemistry is going to lean me towards. Depressive hell or manic hell. Maybe I’ll feel kinda normal today? Whatever that is. I start from zero every day, and many times behind that line. But for me, having a road map of what to focus on, being able to write it out like this to reference again in the future can help me appreciate my days much sooner.
Note #2: I didn’t proofread. If there are spelling or grammar errors, don’t be a jerk. I don’t care. If you have questions about the context or nature of the post I’d be happy to chat about it :)
